The (He)Art Healing Experiment

I am born with a heart malformation. It's a benign malformation. I don't need surgery, it's not dangerous for me, I live life normally, I just need to do check ups here and there. I was diagnosed when I was 20 years young as part of the medical monitoring program of the French Federation of Athletic. I was an athlete who was dreaming of going to the Olympics. But I digress, maybe I will talk about that period of my life and the astrology behind it in another post.

I am born with a little hole in my heart. The heart... one of the most important organs of the body, like the Sun in our solar system. Yes all organs are important, but without that pump there would be no life like without the Sun there would be no life neither. The heart is ruled by Leo/the Sun and I am Leo Sun with Saturn (hardship, restriction, mastery) opposing it. It was destined that my heart was going to be an important aspect of my life. Astrology is that simple and straightforward sometimes.

It is interesting because most of my life has been about seeking validation, Love and also about wanting to be seen for who I truly am at my core. Like I wanted to fill that tiny hole. The question is: am I actually born with that hole or did it form with life experiences?

I don't have many memories of my childhood. I don't know what I used to like when I was a kid, I don't know how I was expressing myself creatively. And when I ask my parents they can't tell me either. You would think that having a parent who enjoyed drawing and music, he would have encouraged me to have and try different creative outlets... Saturn opposite my Sun, my dad never became an architect which was his dream job (he is retired now), and I haven't fully developed my creative skills yet.

This past year my health hasn't been the greatest. Pain and frustration have reached an all time high. The pains I haven't truly tendered to have decided to straight up stop me, saying "enough, now you're gonna have to be intentional". I acted like I was taking care of myself for years but I realised recently that it was so superficial. It has been only about me constantly accumulating knowledge on spirituality, astrology, human design and psychology without actually using those tools intentionally. Not saying that I didn't grow since using those tools but seeing some patterns repeating shows that there is still work to do.

A balance has to be found, the body has to be aligned with the mind, the spirit and the soul. I am seeing health practitioners to help my body but I can't fully heal the body without taking into consideration the other elements of my being, it would simply not work.

I am reaching a point where I am finally sick and tired of my situation enough that I want to change it. For too long I've let pain be my normal thinking that as long as I can move and do what I have to do I can't complain and that some people have it worse. For too long I have let fears slow me down in my progress and let experiences dim my light when as an adult I can do something about it. I wasn't going after what I wanted because I thought I was too much and I felt guilt for needing care so I wasn't taking care of myself.

Now that I am aware and engaging myself into this journey, I can't hide anymore. I can't blame my parents, my upbringing or anyone else anymore. Choosing to heal is choosing to be uncomfortable. I feel guilty about leaving situations that hinder my health. I feel fear around doing intentional healing. I feel fear to look at my own self-undoing and my shadow. I feel frustrated that I have that much work to do on myself this lifetime. To be honest, I still struggle with the fact that it is my fate, the "why me" feeling.

As a Leo Sun with Chiron (the Wounded Healer) in Leo too, creativity and self-expression are core components of my healing journey. My Jupiter rules my physical health and my mental development and is as well in Leo. I am always brought back to the Sun and my heart. The Sun card in Tarot is represented as a happy child on a white horse, a cue that healing the heart is done through healing the inner child as well. My heart needs extra care and I want to document that phase of my life. All those placements being in the 10th house and the Sun ruling my 11th house, it is fitting that I want to share this journey with you and on the internet. It is my legacy.

So welcome to the Diary of a Wounded Heart lol. Joking (but also it's kind of a good title). Welcome to The (He)Art Healing Experiment where I will share about my journey back to my heart, creative outlets I try in the process and more. The goal is to find what supports my health and overall wellness the best and to inspire you to do the same for yourself. If I walk so some of you can run I will be so happy.

I will leave you with those questions: have you been listening and taking care of your inner child? If you are on a healing journey, what is the intention?

From my heart to yours.
Food for thought.

Kathy